Hold back the river

It’s easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day like today. The breakfast turned out right, you found a wrinkle free dress, your hair stayed in place and the song shuffle on your ipod was on point. It’s easy to feel joy, even be buoyant on a day like this. It’s easy to smile and look forward to a dazzling future.

Little do people understand the provenance of life. The very zeitgeist of life is that it brims with dramatic turns and twists, often for no peculiar reason. The joys, the sparkle, the magic all can come crashing down in less than a second. In less than a minute, life has the power to crush all the hope out of you. It derides you of energy and direction and you’re lead to believe in the futility of your ambitions. All aspirations seem a mirage.

Nights like these, people fight their demons in very different ways. Some wage a war against this enigma, some let the darkness drown them. We recover each morning only to fall down to our knees each night. Waking up becomes the nightmare.

Personally, I could never deal with this. Until one night I was let in on a secret. Whatever happens when the stone walls crash and the world feels like collapsing, happens inside of us. This is not some exogenous torture that someone else forces us to endure. We force us and push ourselves into the storm all on our own only to realise that the storm existed within us. The war we waged was against our own selves.

Once you’ve understood this, you come one step closer to be at peace on a night when it feels like you’re walking on the shards of your dreams. Once you realise that this hurt is a part of you, you need to accept it and own it. Make the hurt your own. It’s just another shade to you, like joy and hope are part of you. And once that seeps in, there is no more war. The noise drowns, the chaos just seems like distant noises. An island with too much noise, and you’re in a boat far away from it. Surrounded by deep ocean on all sides, but still safe. Just wait for the sun to rise, just wait for the first rays of the sun to dissipate the dark clouds.

When that happens, when the sun finally shines bright, know that the sun rose to bring you light. Let the heat seep into your veins and let the magic of nature drip into your eyes. See, that’s the secret to regaining your sparkle. Each morning you need to actively choose to live and not accept defeat. Each morning you need to remember that you won the battle of wits against the night. Each morning you need to revel in that small little piece of your victory. Each morning you need to remember why you started in the first place. Each morning you need to choose your dreams and go wherever they call you. Follow them till the end of the earth.

Don’t live your mornings dreading what the nights will bring. Don’t live your life in fear of those misty eyes and nights. I know it hurts to be here, to be in such crosshairs of life, but you need to remember to hold on to your dreams and let go of your scars.

After each beautiful day, I don’t know if you feel numb during the nights. I don’t know if you do. Maybe you run a dry spell of teary waterfall nights. But beware, those nights can never be left behind. Running away is futile. No amount of future can protect you from bleeding when that breath you took starts to ache from within. When that happens, remember the sunshine and sunrays. Visualise staring deep into sun’s own eyes; and imagine drowning the sun in your blood and veins. Let yourself go, accept whatever is happening to you.

The dark side has been waging wars against us since our inception. But we have been known to conquer it’s energy even before. The pull of the dark forces is strong and the energy of the darkness is vicious and ferocious. Tap into that energy to steer your boat in direction of your dreams. Work endlessly and tirelessly towards that. But you can only do that once you’ve accepted all shades to you, dark side included. Keep on searching, keep on shining till you find in your heart acceptance and forgiveness for yourself and others. We’re all living through our scars.

I don’t know if everyone faces a turmoil such as this. It’s easy to answer you’re fine to a stranger’s inquiry of how you are. No one really wants to deal with what you’re actually going through. The streets will be drowned in tears if we were to open our hearts and cut our scars out in the open.

So till the time the society finds a way to care about you in that fashion, know that you’ve got yourself and that is reason enough to be cautiously optimistic. You’re more than enough.  Don’t see your dreams die. Believe in something, anything. Anchor yourself to that, and be passionate about it. Never ever let go of that. Never forget the power of your aspirations. Hold onto that, and I hope it becomes the most magical thing you hold.

Remember this when the world feels like it’s closing down on you. Remember this when all joys erodes. Remember why you started.


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