Half birthdays

Today is my half birthday.
And as much as I love growing up and living life in a fast forward mode, I want it to slow down for a bit.

Lately, the days have been breezing awfully quickly and the nights are spent drowsily, dreaming. I dream at night and make a todo list in my head for the next day, which more or less is working fine. Was working fine. But I want to do more. I wish to achieve more. A hell lot more.

Naturally, the dreaming process has become longer and the working process shorter. When you think of a new idea, when you dream a new dream, a brand new vision, it’s okay to spend some time building castles in the air. However, in the long run, in order to  fulfill it you have got to spend some time building foundations underneath the castles. As long as you do that, you’ll be okay.

But see that’s the problem. These days, I visualise a little too much, I am lost somewhere a little too much and I am working a little too less. And this is wrong.

I want a day(or two) to zoom out. I want some time out to scan my life and perform a SWOT analysis or something. I want to analyse what’s working and what’s not and I need some time to do that. I need some extra hours in a day to reflect on my journey thus far and to strengthen my heart to fight a new battle each day. I need some extra time to heal my broken heart and to pick its pieces again. I need some time out to mentally prepare myself for each day’s obstacles. I need some time out to believe in my dreams again.

And I need to not stray again.

But life won’t slow down. Why should it? I have been asking for it to fast forward since day 1 and there’s no reason that it should pause itself or you know, stop for a while. And freeze.

I want everyone and everything to freeze for a while. I want to float out of my body and swim through the frozen bits of life. I’ll check every possible tangent and every possible angle and I’ll scrutinise everything accurately. I’ll decode what’s hurting me, and I’ll remove those items buried deep in my heart. I can’t take them along with me anymore.

I’ll fix what’s hurting and I’ll make better what’s working. I just need my life out to be on a paper plan. In black and white. And then I’ll plan and plan and plan and hope not to fail.

I’ll want to make more provisions for life’s surprises and shocks. I’ll try and prepare myself better. Only if there were some extra hours in a day.

But I go along, I swim along life, quickly and smoothly, through its currents and through the waves. There will come a time to introspect but we are not there, just yet.

I am halfway my bucket list for this year and there’s still plenty of road to cover. There are more dreams to dream and more plans to execute. I just pray that I manage to find inspiration and the strength to carry on. However that happens. Crawling, limping, floating, running. I can’t stop. I can only imagine what it’ll be like to stop and stare.


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